This Has Been a Long Time Coming, Dear.

27 Mar

So much has happened lately. I started a post a few months ago about being lost and not knowing who I was or where I was headed with my life. It was very dramatic and I felt better after I wrote it, but I never had the time to finish and post it. I’m not going to. I don’t need to. This past month has opened my eyes more than I ever thought possible. I’ve grown more in the past two weeks than I believe in the past year. I’m happy now. Genuinely happy.

I broke up with Trevor a few weeks ago. Why? Because I had feelings for someone else. I have been with him for 3 years, and for the last 2, I’ve been lying to myself and everyone else around me. There was someone that I had talked to when Trevor and I had broken up, and I didn’t sleep with him. Which was a really big deal at the time. Whatever, I slept around. Get over it. So I decided to try to talk to him. His name’s Tyler, by the way. And Tyler is everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. He’s educated, has a good job, is older than me, taller than me, likes baseball, knows exactly what to say to give me butterflies, and is just an all around great guy. I know, where’s the problem with him? He’s a guy. He’s human. We all suffer from the same ailment known as humanity. I made the mistake of rushing into telling Trevor that I had feelings for someone else, and that in turn put Tyler in a very awkward position. That was not my intent. And Tyler, if you ever read this, please know that I am sorry for that. I’m sorry for the way everything worked out and I wish we could still be friends. I understand why we are where we are, and I’m not trying to change that because you don’t want to. But please also know that you will always have a special place in my heart and if you come back into my life in 2 days or another 2 years, I’ll still welcome you. You’re a poison I’ve grown accustomed to. Bad news of the worst kind.

So I’m single. And I’ve been talking to another guy, not Tyler. And you know what? I like it. I like that I have a friend to vent to and that he’s attracted to me the way I’m attracted to him. We have awesome chemistry and we can be honest with each other. Are we dating? Hell no. I just got out of a relationship. Why would I want to jump into a new one? If this friend ever sees this, thank you. You’ve helped me more than you know through all this and I’m very appreciative of everything you’ve said, not said, and helped me see. Your insight is welcome, and even though you’re kind of a jerk at times, I’m glad we are what we are. You rock.

And now on to Trevor. I broke his heart, and I hate that. I really, honestly do. But I couldn’t keep breaking my own heart just to keep him happy. I wasn’t comfortable being what we were and I don’t want to go back to it. I’m not in love with you, Trevor. I love you to death, but there’s a huge difference in the two feelings. Maybe someday things will be different and we’ll be together again, but right now, in this moment, I want you to be happy and you can’t be that with me. I can’t be that with you. I hope you understand that I didn’t set out to hurt you. I hope you realize that in pushing you away, I’m trying to help you find your own feet. You’re a strong man, but you have so much more growing to do and you won’t be able to do that with me. We became too dependent on one another and forgot how to live. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you, but please see that right now, I need some space.

I’ve lost some weight this month, too. Which is fantastic because I’ve been trying for months to just lose the fucking weight. And I finally did it. How? I quit eating out, I quit stressing, I quit over thinking it. I just did it. I knew what was unhealthy and I didn’t eat it. I’m going to continue losing weight, too. I’ll stay on this self powered train and get down to the weight I want to be. It won’t happen overnight, and that sucks. But I’m ready now to get in shape and be healthy. I’m going to start working out more and actually keeping up with it. This is good for me because I’m doing it for me. Not anyone else. I’m excited.

On the health note, I switched to the Implanon birth control the other day. It’s inserted into your arm and it protects you for three years. Awesome, right? It is, really. But I have a huge fucking bruise on my arm and it hurts like you wouldn’t believe. I’m glad I only have to go through this once every three years, because I wouldn’t be able to handle it more often. My insurance covered it 100%, which is fantastic because I don’t have $1200 to spend. I know, a kid is way more expensive. But come on. Be realistic here. Moral of this part, Implanon is definitely worth it and if you’re like me and hate having to take a pill every day, look into it.

I don’t really have much else to say tonight. It’s after 2:30 and I’m exhausted. But my brain doesn’t want to shut off and I’m not sure I want it to yet. I’ve got so much to look forward to in the coming months, and I’m anxious to see where I am in that time. I’m working on a blanket currently. A cute ripple pattern one. It’s done in a lot of earth tones, so it’s going to be beautiful. I’m going to finish it. I’m also working on a neon one with the same pattern. So stoked. I’ll post pictures when I have them finished with a link to the original pattern.

That’s all for night. Thanks for reading my rant, and if you think any less of me, I frankly don’t give a shit. This is my life, and for once, I’m not broken.

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